this is an excerpt from a book im reading currently.

' The next stage in the development of Theory of Mind is understanding the language of the eyes. The old saying, ' Eyes are windows to the soul' is not far from the truth. When someone stares directly into your eyes, your heart rate increases as does the electrical activity in your brain. The effect of direct eye contact is so intense that we normally only stare directly at a person who is staring back at us in one of the two situations; either when we re incredibly angry or when we re in love. As shakespeare said in love's labour's lost, 'A lover's eyes will gaze an eagle blind'.

we are often acutely aware when someone is looking at us. Imagine that you are in a cafe having coffee on your own, when you suddenly feel strange. You look up quickly, and sure enough, someone is staring at you, but as soon as you look at them, they turn away and usually both of you are left feeling uncomfortable.'

now that sounds familar. i couldnt help but give a secret chuckle while i was reading it.

'The evolutionary reason why you should take very good care to detect eye gaze is because when another animal is looking at you it can mean one of the three 'F's. Either that animal wants to fight you, feed on you, or mate with you.

urm. okayyy. haha. i guess i kind of knew this kind of thing all along.
anyway, i was just randomly thinking about this today.
what if we were totally uncivilised and mately for the pure sake of biological purposes like our primate relatives?
what would it be like?

i mean, it would be....

Anna steps into a lift. she sees julian. he looks tall, strong, and.... urm, potent. she thinks he would be a good sperm provider to her eggs. Julian looks at anna. she has wide, childbearing hips, and large, full breasts, both signs of fertility. she would provide good eggs for his offspring.
they decide to mate.




urm. okayyy/ i rather not think about it
but then again, when you think back, theres always a hidden biological reasoning behind why you experience infatuation with some particular members of the opposite sex. its probably cause you think he ll be a good person to father your kids.

but this is just a hypothesis anyway.
the next time you look at me, i ll see if i have the courage to look back.



because it probably means something.

i like the feeling of being taken cared of.
as much as i would like to refute it, to deny it, to ignore it.

i like it.



its a nice warm feeling.
like listening to clazziquai singing bossa nova on a rainy day.
like im being hugged.
like im being appreciated.
like my presence is felt.

like im a girl.
its quite surprising. really.... unexpected.
not that id like things to change. they are fine just the way they are.
a little funny, a little odd, a lot nice.


on another note.
i am considering whether to throw you away.

because when i saw you
i felt the same kind of churn in my gut
the same kind of lurch in my heart

and as you sat by quietly in a corner partially hidden by others
you seemed calm. you seemed at peace. you seemed at ease.
because you seemed alone.
and despite all your pure and all your transparency
i could see the effect of yellowing age on you
you are no longer as white, as pure, as beautiful as you were.

yet i yearn for you
just as
my hand automatically reached to brush the others aside
because you are mine.


my lovely transparent umbrella with a lovely white handle
what should i do with you?
my brain says to throw you away
he despises your broken edge, your weakness and your inability
but my heart pleads for you to stay
she feels a deeper connection with you beyond mere falsities.


on yet another note,

the first time i saw you
i knew you had to be the one
because black has always been a inner desire

you kept me at ease, you kept me relaxed
it was always comforting with you around
you are simple, you are honest, you are frank

yet you seem like a really bad bargain
your foundation not laid well,
you keep me falling down!
on rainy days
when the floor is wet
walking seems like a dangerous affair


its raining so badly nowadays that my friends at the chinese restaurant, who come from china, say its the 'winter' for singapore. quite apt however. and i keep slipping giving them the impression that im a klutz.
oh well. its not as if i want to. hui chiang has officially labelled you as 'hazzard footwear'

but i couldnt be bothered much really. your sole is wearing off, your grids are disappearing, your design is so simple with not elaborate decoration. but does this all matter/ you only cost mom a dollar. and i never bothered to spend time or money to buy slippers anyway/



its so like me to use a spoilt umbrella and a pair of hazard slippers.
right?


on my last note.
oh, you mean that,
yeah i know. i know.
i knew it all along. just that i never found out.
so thats it.

what genre of music do i like?
bossa nova.

dance now, hold your breath, dont you cry, take my hand, hold your breath, the night is young
dance now, hold your breath, show your smile, take my hand, hold your tears, the love is young.

dance now, hold your breath dont you cry, take my hand, hold your breath, the night is young
dance now, hold your breath,show your smile, take my hand, hold your tears, the love is young.


when it rains i like to imagine that i am the rain.

suddenly a very odd and ominous thought came to me when i was thinking randomly today. i was wondering if something bad suddenly were to befall upon me and i had to choose between being blind or deaf. its not as if in real life one will be able to choose what misfortune were to befall upon oneself.
but im saying, if, just, if.

almost immediately i thought i would say,
i would rather give up my hearing in place for my sight.

but i surprised even myself.

i love the world. i love being able to see. the grass glistening with raindrops after a quiet gentle rainy day. the stray cat curled up into a ball, sitting comfortably in a corner near my flat. the way peoples eyes smile at me. the lush greenery all around me. the clear sparkling waters i forsee.
and to an artist, her sight is the most important of all. van gogh gave up listening to the most beautiful melodies in the world, because he felt there were too many uneccessary noises disrupting his thoughts. because they were corrupting his creativity, because they were flooding his mind. because they prevented him from drawing anything plausible.

but i am not an artist.
though i would like to be.

maybe we all judge others too much. but ourselves too little. maybe we all jump to conclusions based on appearances all too often. seldom do we take the time to see through the outer exterior of other people to understand, to feel, to relate.
as much as i would like to deny, to refute, to refuse to admit,
because if i were blind, i would probably be a better person.

i judge a book by its cover. and a person, initially, by his or her appearance.
his face, his hands, his arms, his feet, the way he walks, his body language, the way he dresses.
almost immediately i think of an excuse to support myself. that it is oh too difficult to take time to understand, to see through, to get to know a person truly and thoroughly.

i dislike girls who milk their identity as a woman for all their worth. thats why i try so hard, thats why sometimes, end up, i am trying only. i am trying, only.
as much as i would like to change it,
i cant.

when i look into the mirror, the face that shows hardly reflects my true self.

if i saw less, heard and felt more, maybe i would be a better person.

also, i cannot bear with the thought of not being able to listen.
to the gentle rain.
his warm song.
her mellow vocals.
your comforting voice.
your cheeky laughter.

it would definitely be the greatest loss to my life. worse than being blind, worse than not being able to touch, to smell, to taste.

i can forgo seeing.
because,


i would like to listen.
because i love.
because i close my eyes.
because i feel.
not just with my hands, but with my ears, and my soul.