im always like half-hearted.

i think i lost the kind of decisiveness and man-ness in me [ok, i know its stereotypical to say that women are more wishy-washy, after all, i used to be an anomalous example, but now considering the fact that im slowly losing it, and i see it as a proved norm... well]

i need to find time to myself and decide what i really want.

because im having trouble with all these commitments scattered all over the place.
trying to be enthusiastic, and xiao-on in kendo, trying to forge social relationships in block, in hall, trying to keep up with my studies, finish the biblographies of my essays and pass my tests, trying to keep in contact with my old friends, trying to pick up the duties of being japanese studies society secretary, trying....

im always trying and trying but it seems like im never getting there.
its like im always half a step away. all i have to do is stride faster, stronger, wider.


but i am feeling tired and weak.
and i am feeling like running away.

i am not sure if i have the courage to face some things.
i am not sure if these things are as important to me as they were before, since my priorities seem to have changed.




i tell you what i want.


i want to know everyone in my block [to be able to hold a decent conversation that is. i dont count 'hi' as an example]
i want to be good at kendo [and possibly become a kendo exco member]
i want to be super fit like the greek gods and goddesses at my hall
i want to like myself [i do sometimes, but its hard to do it all the time you see]
i want to do well for my exams
i want to earn lots of baito money
i want to spend that money on the trip to japan with my kon san and the jss people
i want to come back, stay and be a commited, good member of dp sets
i want to make use of the remaining holidays to study and catch up
i want to get an honours in psych, then i can do a masters in art therapy


whatever it is.
im feeling damn tired now.

just want to give up.
but i know when i wake up tomorrow i ll be irritatingly cheerful and optimistic [how annoying and disgusting, isnt it *smirk*]



I NEED DRIVE, AND I AM GOING TO MOTIVATE MYSELF TO DO IT DAMMIT!