WARNING: UBER LONG ENTRY AHEAD. do not attempt unless you have too much time in your hands or enjoy being tormented by incoherent, irrelevant writing. not for the impatient, un-mundane,and faint-hearted.

if there was a steak, a cheesecake and ice cream on the table, what would you eat first?

that was what wife asked when she met up with me today.
it was that super shuang feeling [i can come up with no better word in any other language to express my feelings; sorry if i sound racist but chinese is still the best despite the fact that i am typing in english. frmph.] of being together again. took lots of photos on my good ol' needs-to-be-developed-really-out-of-date-and-needs-to-be-thrown-away-is-super-looked-down-upon-film-photo-camera. [i promise i ll put them up in my hall room even if they re really uglyhaha]

i like the feeling of anticipation mixed with bouts of worry when i pass the roll of film over to the person to develop because you never know what kind of photographs you ll end up getting [considering my not-so-there-not-quite-up-to-standard-ok-thats-an-understatement-its-just-lousy-but-dont-need-to-verbalise-it-=( photography skills.

i still like taking photographs anyway.
WHO GIVES A DAMN, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*crazy laughter ensues*
*evil laughter echos across the empty room*
.....

ok, im sorry. need a break/
people will start thinking i need prozac or something
which is really scary [the thought of me really needing prozac, people thinking that i need prozac when i dont actually need it, or the thought of people thinking that i need prozac combined with me really needing it?]

*sighs*


oh no. *looks at top of entry*
*clears throat*
*looks around*

la dee dum. erhem, going back to what i initially started from, i told qiu han that i would choose cheesecake first [who cant resist it la; anyone who knows me really well knows i have a weakness for sweet stuff =P] then the steak and skip the ice cream altogether cause i d already be satisfied by the time i finish off my nice-meaty-bloody steak [that sounds so grunt-heave-ho-caveman-primitive-crude. haha. heave-ho reminds me of heave-ho theory which is part of my pl3237 module...ohno im digressing again...]

ok, dou yu i-mi?

the question is actually set in the context as follows:
when you are going through some problems, you will:

1. need comfort [ice cream]
2. get angry [steak]
3. be sad[cheesecake]

ok, i can spend like 1 hr to come up with n reasons why this test [so-called psychology test] is biased and stereotypical and unrealiable and nonsense and stupid and crazy and fake and isnt applicable to a lot of people [eg vegetarians, people who hate ice cream [i used to have a pri school class mate like that; i was astonished] and come up with n number of adjectives and phrases to describe how bad it is, [where n-----> infinity]

BUT.

who cares. haha.
at this point of time i realise my blog is really hard to read because i really function along a weird line of thought [irrelevance; incoherence]. even though it all makes sense to me; i just type out exactly what im thinking next....

going back to the test.

its true. if suddenly i hit some problems in the face,
i might just go to a corner where there is nobody and be very sad and brood to myself and type a crazy-seemingly-suicidal-depressive blog post. i rather die than go to talk to someone about it or ask for help; its like a kind of stubborness; refusal to be weak; to show my lack of strength

and sometimes i get angry easily. qiu ping, hc and wife would know that. tolerating an insolent, blunt, crude, chor loh, insensitive bloody bastard [oh dont be shocked, i really am a bastard *smirk*] like me for 6 years [going on our 7th]; they should know what its like to be poor suffering, friends... hahaha=)

but its ok, because....

i ll delete the emo-suicidal post next morning when i wake up and see the sun.
cause sunshine immediately makes me feel n times better. *smile* thats why someone calls me sunflower, haha. *big smile* =D and its kind of pai seh, but when i need encouragement and dont want to get it from other places, i ll go to a corner and say 'jia you wenlin' to myself and feel happy about it for the rest of the day

there seems to be a lot of things to be sad about recently...
considering what happened at home... and then... also... chinese lect...jap lessons
it will be very sad being alone [in the end, i still have to admit that i need to depend on other people because of the kind of loneliness and lack of security that shows up in the form of me buying ridiculously-enormous-bags-to-hug-for-assurance-and-comfort]

and with all the commitments and activities and assignments and projects spiraling and snowballing....

i feel a slight urge to slip into regression [missing the old times] and just run away
[actually regression is typically supposed to materialise in the form of me needing familial comfort or some kind of physical comfort we took for granted as a child e.g. sucking our thumb, but i dont feel this at all....-___- i guess sigmund freud isnt correct all the time]

sigh.

but there are happy things too.
like forging new relationships, getting acquainted with new people [ok, forget it, my GRANDMOTHER has acquaintances; i have friends. haha =P i should stop trying word substitution], increasing my social circle, blah blah.

but i still hate the kind of compromise and societal obligation and expectation to remain all smiles and friendly-friendly with people you dont like
i really still just want to look at the person with the i-dont-give-a-damn-about-what-you-do-i-dont-even-want-to-know-you face and walk off. haha. that would be, cool. *fantasizes*

but that wouldnt be nice.
BUT IM NOT NICE =(
well, not really by nature anyway....


i hate it when i answer my own questions and have this mini-internal-struggle-thing going on. you probably think im mad now, dont you.
HAHAHAHAH. that's cool.

*looks at second topic sentence*
happy things.
i held my first sports-related trophy yesterday [wait, its yest yest technically since its 1.00am sunday morn now. heh]. no words can describe the elation and joy and pride i felt inside.
though it was sad at the same time. [since i know im the lousiest player in the whole team =( im such a bad captain T_T]

i cant do sports for nuts.
now im starting to wonder if i started drawing because that was my passion or because its the only thing im kind of really good at/
nature/nuture again

i drew since i was wee small, so it probably cant be because i knew i sucked at sports; its probably because i spent so much time on drawing and reading[all the other time other people were learniung to swim and cycle and play football and basketball] that i compromised my physical development [considering i cant do any of the 'sports' mentioned above, except for cycling, which sort-of-kind-of-am-supposed-to-know-now-but-still-feel-demoralised-when-other-people-say-they-want-to-go-night-cycling=(]

so its fair.
*nods*

why do i find that so unconvincing?
....

which leads to...
should i even go for the ihg sports trials next week?
and if i should,

what freaking sport should i even try for????????

i ll leave that for later.
im still happy anyway. hall rocks =D [ok, i really do exhibit abnormal behaviour]
it was nice, even if it wasnt really real and just for a while.
let me immerse myself in fleeting happiness
*dances*

yay. =D
despite all this, i come to a conclusion that, because i am a irritatingly-happy person by nature, wenlin will still overcome all obstacles and her occasional bouts of brood-iness and achieve success and be victorious at the end of the day! YAYYYYYYYYY
HURRAH

ok, this is a really cheapo ending, but thats all i could think of, OK?
=)
im still happy; dont worry.