'Everything that exists is born for no reason, carries on living through weakness, and dies by accident.' - Jean-Paul Sartre-

WARNING philosophical spoilers ahead, for mundane update on life, jump to second part after long row of hyphens.

okay, so i open the cover of this book and this happens to be the first sentence that jumps out at me. And immediately, from that instant onwards, i decide i like this guy.
Man, as a useless passion.

That's freaking brilliant.

the total gratuity and absurd contingency of the universe that gives the feeling of perpetual sickeness. Because of the absence, or rather, lack of presence of God, there is no good reason for the world and all there is in it to exist. Therefore the nauseating plethora of things.

despair not.

In human beings, and in us alone, existence precedes essence. We are, and we are free, before we are anything else.Because we are free to take on the qualities of the particular mode of being what we have chosen to adopt. But values rise from our actions as patridges do from the grass beneath our feet. Because we know we are free, and are afraid of our freedom, that we make such efforts to avoid it, and are capable of such feelings of relief when we sometimes manage to deprive ourselves of our freedom.

Our freedom is linked to the fact that we can never escape from our awareness of ourselves. Because we are always aware of ourselves, and able to imagine what is not the case, we have the freedom to stand back from our situation, evaluate it, and decide what to do.

we would all like to be absolutely what we are with the full awareness that we are it.
However, as long as we are conscious of what we are, we can never entirely be what we are. Our freedom to change, the necessary consequence of our awareness, is always there.
The only being able to combine total coincidence with itself 'being', with total selfawareness is God.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

enough of what i've been reading.
an update on life.
Been up to nothing much really; just sitting around, pondering about things in life[or rather, life itself]. Trying to borrow required materials for my modules, going on desperate library-hopping marathons, lugging heavy books to and fro, killing myself with the reading materials,

i leave the comma there, because i am extremely certain i have spent the weekend doing more things that those i have listed above, but at this exact moment i cannot seem to let my thoughts, or more precisely, my memory 'materialise' that particular memory of what i did.
ok, that means i just forgot.

im really starting to feel a nauseating plethora of things. i feel a Need to get away from the cloyingness of all this unnecessary superabundance; this disgusting clutter and burden...
get away from the noise, the fatigue, the colour....


maybe i need to list things down in point form for my own benefit.
ok. this is what i did last weekend, in no particular order:

^i read some notes. [the value of 'some' quantitatively is some matter worth debate]
^i annoyed my sister [not worth listing, but i did it anyway, as i always do. and anyway, its a two-way thing, because we always remember to be nice and recipocate other's nice intentions]
^i played with my sister [literally and figuratively. i mean, we always entertain each other. we even have a motto, 'we annoy; we entertain; we irritate; live would be so boring without each other'. and we did play badminton, so that counts as playing as well i pressume.]
^i celebrated my sister's birthday [other sister; my sister's life doesnt revolve around being played and annoyed by me, thank goodness *smirk*]
^[of no relevance to the above points but] i watched some brainless but thoroughly enjoyable taiwan variety shows
^i went to bishan library [2 times], toa payoh library [2 times] and ang mo kio library
and still did not find the book called 'family and kin' by my lecturer Mdm stella quah despite the fact that the virtual records of the libraries show 5 unborrowed copies, 3 in bishan and 1 in tp and amk respectively.

either its me, the lousy librarians, the lousy shelving system, the books[im sure its not their fault, really. i mean, they re not even living things; why blame them?] or other inconsiderate readers [yes, the 'other' implies that i am an inconsiderate reader too. well, not all the time, but i can be, potentially]

im so dead pan i feel like slapping myself.
wait a minute, is there a '-' between 'dead' and 'pan'. or is it one word.
damn, im bloody irritated
somehow, this all seems hilarious suddenly. i feel like[i am, actually] laughing at myself [or all this]

ok, i think its deadpan. im quite sure now. im so bloody lazy i dont want to check up the dictionary; hah.
anyway i think dead pan cant be right. it sounds so wrong. i mean, its like, 'dead', 'pan'.
How could anyone possibly be 'dead pan'? of course its one word. silly.
it's ok; if you find all this weird it only means that you re really normal, because im daft one.
its like im always having this invisible arguments in my head.


continuing on, expanding on my thread of irrelevance and incoherence,
it feels random when i go home and see my father studying. Its like this overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes me [damn, i wanted to use overwhelm again but that would be repeating. It seems like i like to use 'overwhelm' overwhelmingly, lately. thats funny. as in, haha-funny. But also weird-funny, come to think of it. frmph.]

suddenly i feel overcome by a need to shower. and then zzz. yes yes. time to retreat to slumber [can i phrase it that way? it sounds funny. weird-funny, not haha-funny]
more updates later, if you can take more doses of irrelevance.

i shall end off with something nice and philosophical.

The aim of pour-soi is to remain pour-soi, while at the same time becoming en-soi.
- Sartre-


irritating right?
*smirk*