i realised there have been a lot of things i wanted to do since young but have been bound by societal expectations, beliefs, obligations and more...

i always wanted to stroke stray cats. the fur looks so soft, and the cat looks so pitiful.
but what did my mom say? not to touch stray cats because i might contact rabies.
i dont like rabies.

i still have not touched a stray cat before.
this is why i am a realist. because i put practicality before almost anything else.

but i am also a romantic.

i always wanted to dance in the rain. heavy, pouring rain.
i have yet to do that, but i ve ran in it before. and walked very slowly as well.
it was, wonderful. i felt like, as i walked out of the downpour, the raindrops cleansed my soul.

i always wanted to walk barefoot.
today my beautiful beautiful green coloured slipper shoe broke. actually i should have known.
at that time, i only had another pair of shoes with me, and wearing it hurt my toes so much that
i took the two pairs of shoes off, slipped them into my shoebag
and walked barefoot to the busstop.
on the bus
across the bridge
all the way home.

the concrete floor was sandy and dusty like i anticipated
and the road was rough and bumpy
but the grass was cool and relieving
my feet were blessed.

i ve always wanted to walk home late at night from junction 8, along the bending road following the route of bus 410
but i ve always had an invisible curfew
cinderella version 1.1 clock strikes at 11
but today i walked back at close to 12.
the sky was dark
but the clouds looked like they were mourning the loss of something
something i couldnt tell.
my footsteps were heavy, my stride light.
toshi's soulful voice croons in my ear
his melody is light and gay
but his lyrics are .... somewhat more.

how can happiness and loneliness....
for just a while,
i thought that, it didnt matter if things lasted as long as i wasnt lonely and as long as i was happy
even if it was just for that while.

i guess im still a romantic.


conflicting ideals and wishes coexist in the same body, the same soul.
sometimes i wish i could leave this place to somewhere
somewhere where i could be alone
but then i remember
and then

qiu han, you re right. im afraid to be alone.