im feeling a case of itchy fingers so im updating here :p dun think any1 will come anyway so...

i was wondering the other day
is it really true that all things that women do, they do for the sake of men? have women become so dependent on men that they are the sole and most important reason for our existance?

i always regarded fanny as my fashion guru or what. cos i want to be like her loh. tall, willowy, slim and graceful and yet funky la. her dress sense, aka street style is so damn cool. but she shocked me when she said she want to dress more ladylike this year or else no guys want her.T_T fanny why???

to some extent must agree. if not why the boom of those oh-so-sexy-but-not-really-there undergarments and cosmetics and other beauty products and beauty enhancing treatments
but do i have to look good just so that guys will want me? i dun gett it.
i mean... the true meaning of looking good is so that u will feel good right? for oneself, above all.
its the confidence and sense of well-being that is the end destination, not the looks of envy from other woman and the attention of men

:( why?

i know its good to improve. i know things can bve better. but shouldnt you accept me and like me the way i am if you really love me? are the two ideals conflicting? am i making things more complicated? am i contracdicting myself? i understand both arguements but what is it that is really the truth? what is it that should be right?

i still find myself in the awkward state of change
like i dont really know myself. i dont really know what i want i dont really know who i am
i dont even know what i should expect of myself

i want to slim down
i want to look pretty
i want to keep long hair
but not for you. not for anyone. for myself. cos i like it. but...

am i not ok the way i am?
im not fat.
im not bad looking
short hair is me... short hair = me

??????? what should i do?

fan actually said i xiang3tong1 le when i said i not eating fried kway teow anymore cos too oily.
i was so stunned i was speechless. she doesnt know the impact it brought on me, but...
i guess its good she doesnt know. sometimes i take the things she tells me too seriously... like shes my guru or what. but HER beliefs are not mine. HER way of doing things are not mine
i should have my own way of life. right?

i reached a conclusion. if u meet someone u really love, and who really loves u, things should be like... he loves you the way you are. you re fine like that. but you want to change for him. he never asked you, or wanted you to change, but u wanted to be better, for him?
is that what its supposed to be? its really beautiful... to me at least.

i think im starting to understand a bit. maybe thats why even tomboys are willing to wear skirts for their boyfriends when they re out on a date maybe thats why qiu ping wants to be more feminine...cos she found the person she wants to change for? maybe i ll meet someone like that too

meanwhile, i can change for myself. :)