milo trucks never fail to make me happy.
its the thought of having something free of charge [though i seem to be unable to press or do away with that nagging thought that the cost of the milo is included in our fees]

call me cheapo if you like, but
drinking free milo always makes my day [your smile too, but maybe you dont know]

today's tutorials were pretty good. im feeling pretty motivated to do well and study and be consistent this semester. shouldnt be a problem, i hope...

wanted to borrow 'la nausea' from the library today [im the only person who ever borrows it anyway] but they didnt have the copy i just returned 2 days ago though the status says its available for loan. its something i ve been dying to read since i finished 'introducing sartre' but been putting it off due to procrastination and other matters. should get down to it soon.

then i saw a critique on wittgenstein on the shelf and couldnt help but itch.
so i went to find tractatus logico-philosophicus and borrowed it. and a book on how to read it. wittgenstein is a pretty brilliant fella, but i think it ll probably be dead boring and i probably wont even understand 1/n of the text [yes, where n is an integer------> infinity] but i still borrowed it anyway. trying to read it and understand him makes me feel intellectual [or rather, i feel it adds to my intellect? these things. ah, he touched on words. the perfect philosophical language... frmph.]

and of his main propositions, these really intrigue [me]

the world is all that is the case.
what we cannot speak of, we must pass over in silence.
-ludwig wittgenstein-

but sartre appeals to me more i suppose;
i like the fact that he writes plays and novels.
and existentialism is just one super interesting thing i cant stop thinking about...
it doesnt help that somethings its deja vu when i read 'la nausea' [rather amusing that sartre originally wanted to name it melancholia... frmph.]



'Everything that exists is born for no reason, carries on living through weakness, and dies by accident.' - Jean-Paul Sartre-


sometimes i cant help but agree.

one sad thing today:

the phrase: 'last year, last chance' kept flashing in my head non stop today.
i know i ve only been at this for 1 sem, but time will pass quickly, and i dont want to turn around and realise and regret when its last year last chance for me...

no more regrets.

one random thing today:

i snubbed my toe while running up the stairs thinking i was late for practice carrying my bogu and shinai today. the toe felt ok but while i was waiting at the bus stop i realised it was bleeding. i think i need to give my nerves a break; they seem to be malfunctioning. at the rate im getting injured, i might need to admit myself in a cushion prison [you know for those hazard-to-yourself mental patients] soon.

must be more careful.

its hard to keep smiling when everyone has =( face around...
i try to keep it there but it keeps falling off...
need to buy a smile...


i always think that if others are sad, i should stay happy or become happy so i can try to cheer people up, because i get happy when others are happy. i guess thats being selfish, cause its like im living off other people's happiness; like some parasite

but there can be no totally selfless person,
right?

my arms are getting more and more muscular from all the wood-sawing, screw-drilling and kendo cuts. frmph.

anyway, yeah, went for the tournament today.


it was rather expected that i'd lose, but i was hoping for draw at least.
but i suppose when im up with kitt, and ting ting [shes 2nd kyu, im not even 9th kyu yet] i shouldnt expect to much. if my skills and speed and experience cant match up with theirs, at least i can try to use my ki-ai right? yell louder and try to scare them.

well.

but nevermind that.
sarah and siwei told me not to be stressed and sad about losing and that they thought i did my best for the team already. its kind of assuring, but at the same time, i know where i stand.
these people have been training for, what, 3, 4 years? and i ve only been trying to do proper cuts for 1 semester... its time to buck up and train harder or else i ll never reach anywhere near their standard...

on a side note, today was interesting because we were watching the guys team A, who were really strong. no matter how i looked at it, they were strong. lol. mr godspeed is fast [duh], zhenfeng is stable, yongkai is calm and steady, jesse is damn strong and accurate, guang yang is powerful.

but they got second runner up.
a bit of a waste there. but we were cheering them all the way. so pro la. very inspiring.
and it was rather amusing how all the girls squealed in delight when jesse came on. because the last time i checked, he won the 2-point match in less than 1 min. pro is pro la.
he did that twice or thrice i think. pro. then mr godspeed did that for another match also.

it was a pity they didnt make it to the finals... grrr.

baofang they all were making themselves busy on the trip back to school looking at morita's pictures. and other cute japanese kendo kai. -____- well. i mean, i guess hes rather good-looking but i didnt really expect baofang to be so... hua chi. -___- sigh. nevermind that. she was saying that she likes him cause hes handsome and strong.
but i dont think our guys are too bad either what. im pretty proud of them. let's say i was slowly impressed by them.

kendo is such a subtle thing... frmph.
like how i underestimated mr godspeed, then when i saw him in action for the first time [though not today] i was like: '...' speechless. and how i grew to understand, and know, and appreciate beautiful form [zhenfeng has beautiful form]. after i keikoed with yong kai i was so impressed by his steadiness and detachment and humility. and jesse... well. i just never really thought much because i hadnt seen him in match before; i kind of knew he was good, but i didnt know how good.

well.
this <---------------------------------------------------------------> good.
and im probably <--> good.
rather sad huh.
*puts sad face*

the girls team were really good too.
heh heh. i like shermaine's style. haha. will try to emulate. need a goal and motivation. anyway shes the one whose ki-ai mine is the most similar; i guess it will be more suitable bah. frmph and since jia wei says im getting scarier and scarier, bearing an uncanny resemblance to you-know-who, i might as well emulate her and succeed her. [or better, surpass her! HEH. just kidding. kendo is a marathon. i shall not try to be overly ambitious]

the matches today got kind of tiring after a while.
the shinpans were tired, the helpers were tired, those fighting were tired, those who fought were tired, those watching were tired.
anyway we were amusing ourselves by watching them and listening to their distinct ki-ai sounds. lol.

mr godspeed does this 'MEN-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh' thing,
zhenfeng doesnt really have a distinct one,
yongkai [this is a good one lol] does this calm, steady, 'kKkuriya-' thing
jesse does this low, loud, 'SUUUOOOOOO' thing right before the match
wenhao does this 'HUP!' thing
and jia wei was commenting that this japanese guy he was impressed with [i was impressed with him as well. so young, so smart, so strong, so fast] does this kind of half-hearted 'hhaaa-', 'hhaa-' sound going upwards
LOL

its so amusing i dont know what to say.
haha.
all the girls have some high pitched screechy ki-ai sound except for maybe just shermaine and ting. maybe i should invent some scary new one instead of using my current one, which is kind of low, but rather loud and scary [or so some people e.g. jiawei, says]

i kind of felt that people were rather freaked out during my first match when i ki-aied, cause my talking voice is already quite gravely; my ki-ai is even more so... erm, manly. well/ =shrug=
amusing.

but it was really good watching, cause i felt i learnt a lot.

im starting to feel quite worried cause after this sem, the whole of men's team a, all of women's team a, 2/3 of womens team b will probably be gone. it means we [freshies] had better work harder to up the standard of our kai cause there wont be seniors to depend on much after this sem...





now to practice again.

random conversations[they get more bizarre as they continue]:

he said, 'its difficult, thats why its fun,' and i agreed.

------------------------------

he patted my head and said, 'yeah, kid,'. what was i supposed to say?

-------------------------------

he asked me, 'so, wenlin, are you straight?'
i said, 'yeah, im standing very straight.'

-------------------------------

i said, 'i can be very nasty,'
he said, 'yeah, i know that firsthand.'

-------------------------------



*sigh*

sometimes i just wish that.....
well......


anyway, today [later] will be a good day.
going out with hot babe, pics to follow; cant wait!
havent seen her in a while....

somehow i just think that i always tend to have random conversations.
its as random as this new shiina ringo song im listening to.


funny-weird, not funny-haha.

sometimes i like to be thoughtful and nice.
sometimes i like to brood about small passing comments that dont matter.
i know they dont matter, like the random notes and drum beats in the song; but
i cant help dwelling on them, however short and minute they might be.

mayyin once said that i have a good memory
maybe too good for my good.

its raining outside and i'm feeling thoughtful.

a picture from the takraw match, which i spent the whole of my sunday at [that was last last sunday, to be exact]



















nothing much to be said about the match, except that our guys were really good, and their performance was impressive. but other halls, especially sheares and temasek, gave a good run for the trophy. but as expected, we triumphed in the end. er, yay?

somehow i had the feeling our guys just looked better.
i mean, they looked like greek gods; tanned and bronzed skin, well built, muscular but lean, blah blah. generally they just looked like they were real athletic. i mean, they looked like they were REAL takraw players, for goodness sake! the temasek team was so pale-looking.[ i have an obvious bias for tanned people, cant help it!] but they were really, really good.

we were <-> this close to losing.
the matches, especially the last ones against temasek, were all-inspiring.
somehow, getting caught up in the midst of everything, i had actually forgotten my motive of going down to sheares. i just let my camera lay idle hanging in front of me and shouted like a mad woman. i couldnt stop cheering. i totally lost any kind of professionalism a photographer should have. *sigh* i know i should look pro and dettached but i just couldnt help it.


i was so inspired i went back home to try takraw kicks.
if there's a women's team, i swear i ll be first to go for the trials. *sheepish* heh.
dont laugh at me; i can kick quite high ok. as high as my head is, while im standing straight.
tried a bit of taekwondo last time.


anyway, enough of that.

been kind of stressed out lately. school, commitments, stuff... thousand things running across my mind.... at the same time i feel sad i havent read the whole stack of books i wanted to read during the holidays. sigh. but i want to read nausea. oh. *disappointed* i ll borrow it tomorrow and start reading. i should ban myself from msn. its the most useless and time-consuming thing in the whole wide world. but considering a good number of my friendships were, are and are going to be built based on msn conversations... maybe not so soon... after chinese new year bah.

photocopied the stuff for dad and passed it to him today.
sometimes he reminds me of a little boy who just doesnt grow up.
sometimes i wish i werent his daughter, because i just feel like i cant live up to the expectations of others based on the fact that im his daughter. i havent inherited any of his good traits, sadly.

for one thing, it can be quite saddening when your dad just got 5 straight As for all this modules last sem. and that he's taking a masters degree while you, poor sod, arent even a sophomore yet.


i wish i was good at studying; i wish i liked studying. i wish i was good [some people assure me and say im good, but for my conditions and circumstances, im simply not good enough] at chinese... i wish i liked it more than just a little. sigh.


nobody's forcing me, but i keep wanting to live up to other people's expectations.
and my own.



the ball is coming at me
i know what i should do
but what will i do?

ok, lots of things to update, so this will be a wordy post. stop here-> if you don't want to read.

today was a life-shattering experience.

it started off badly [from a bad start with not being able to get my psych second-hand text, hall problems, injuries, getting sick and tired of being treated like a man and made fun of, etc. but these are things i ll talk about next time.]

to add to my hallmarks of fame injuries list, [in no particular order]:

damage: bleeding foot sole
source: ashi-sabaki footwork during the kendo camp

damage: sawed hand
source: high speed revolving sandpaper wood smoothing blade

damage: hit foot leading to cut
source: random pieces of bamboo and wood lying around sets place

damage: 'double-knee-cap'/ circular blue-black [the colour increases in intensity from the circumference to the heart of the injury, which is kind of amusing]
source: my lousy footwork + good push from suresh's shinai ---> flew and fell

damage: hammered finger
source: *points to the top* this one is a no brainer -___-

-----------------------------------------------------------------

ok, that should be about it. other minor things are not worth mentioning; my mom always called me die2 dao3 da4 wang2 [directly translated, thats 'falling king' if your hanyupinyin cant make it lol]. i guess i do live up to the name. im glad i she doesnt know about most of this... or else it'd make her so worried....

anyway im digressing.

i think i ll put a simple plan of my current lifestyle:

wenlin's timetable/schedule [pronounced 'skedule' or sh-air-dlue'? frmph.]

for busy days

its
sleep [till noon]
kendo,
dp sets [saw wood, cut wood, drill stuff nail stuff paint stuff carry heavy stuff blah]
maybe filming, eusoff works stuff.

my life primarily is basically made up of these four components.
------------------------------------------------------------


wore men today.
it was claustraphobic.
i mean, i FELT claustraphobic.

i felt kind of sickened by the thought of wearing men because the image of me tying the tenogui very slowly at speed 1/n per sec where n ---> infinity was flashing in my mind.
i really didnt want to be slow and left behind and drag everyone down
but when we wore, it worked
somehow, miraculously, i could tuck the bloody thing in comfortably.
YAY. [wenlin +1]
[kudos to estee for telling me how to do it properly.. and helping me with my men]

then i realised i was fast.
YAY. [wenlin +1]
i stood up. most of the others were still tying.

the kirikaeshi was really difficult.
it felt weird wearing the kote cause i couldnt really like grasp the grip of the tsuka.
then i realised tenouchi was really difficult. the first time i had my 'cuts' flying all over the place.
i tried it at a slower pace on my later tries, then it worked. but it was so much conscious effort.

the sweat was coagulating at the tip of my upper lip and i was trying my best to ignore it. lol.
the first time i tied it it was too tight so my ears were freaking painful.


but it felt good.
after everything, when shermaine said 'men-tore'
and i took off my men, placed it by the side, wiped my sweat
i looked forward to doing it again.
and again.

i LOOK forward to doing it again. *smirk*
it was 100% satisfaction.
even better than when i first wore my tare and do.

i look forward to getting stronger. *wide grin*


i lugged the stuff in the rain and took bus b back to hall with jiejing.
another thing i ll cant understand is why everyone seems to think we dont have a platonic relationship. i mean, isn't it obvious that we're really good friends? lol. the absurdity of things.
but hes such a good friend; i 'll never forget some of the things hes said or done
its these kind of friends in hall that make you think,
gosh, its great to be alive. and here, right now.

anyway, forward to sets.
everyone was fascinated with my bogu and shinai.
they were kind of half-amused, half belittling.

i dont even know if i should bother to explain.
albert was like,
kendo is quite useless right? not like when someone attacks you you will have time to draw your shinai and wear bogu.

i didnt know what to say.
because for me, i still cant shoot an answer directly and convince people.
but its a wonderful feeling. =)

initially it was the feeling of a good sweat after some hard work on the dojo.
it was learning humility, politeness, and perseverance
it was getting to know my crazy batch
it was getting closer to the seniors
it was feeling proud to be a kendo ka
it was drawing knowledge from peter sensei
it was self-cultivation, spirit, mind body as one
it was encouraging nods and words from my kakari-teh [zhen feng, james, ck, parry etc]
it was assurance when i felt useless, down and out in the dumps [sher, estee, jiejing, zhenyuan]

i can think of endless reasons, but they would sound superfluous or random to you if you havent experienced it. sweated it out, bled [i have, trust me. we all have, havent we, kendo ka?=)], wanted to give up, wanted to curse and swear, didnt give up, received encouragement, received assurance, gave yourself encouragement, gave yourself motivation

gosh.

and its only been 1 sem.

=)

im getting excited.
*dances around delightedly*

------------------------------------------------------------

random things i like about kendo/ to do during breaks during kendo

1. rub my bogu ; my bogu is named ta-ke, if you didnt know!. [it HAS to be no. 1]
2. bumping my bogu against hani's/
3. raising my kote [dont know why, haha]
4. mixing around with hani, ck, james, parry, blah blah
5. carrying my shinai bag around [it makes me feel important]

blah.
----------------------------------------------------------------

im having really good fun at sets also.
yeah, multiple injuries [i can almost fight with our vice-head, shawn, whose other name is injury-prone] and some really tiring stuff requiring some serious muscle work and power but.
its good, rough, fun.
and its really satisfying also. to see the end product. or mid-product. whatever.

anyway i think i ll post some pics of the stuff we made.

kind of annoyed that im being treated like a man though.


sometimes i think about how nice it would be if i were girly and other people would protect me.
but its really not me; im such a want-face person; i'd never give in and ask others for help.
even if i were dying carrying the scafoldings or wood logs, i'd still do it and pretend
im such a sickening bastard. im hazardous to myself... sigh. so ai-mian zi for what.
some guys are so nuah loh. i mean, if they dont do it, then no one will do, so end up someone needs to do stuff right? then i do loh, i mean, since it has to be done anyway

i ll do it even if i have to die
then if i die after that good, cause i dont need to find a place to hide my face afterwards. lol

a little good natured joshing and joking is fine. poking fun at people, im ok with that

but sometimes i like to be taken cared of also.
i am [somewhat] physically strong
i am [somewhat] masculine
i have a [somewhat] low and guy-ish voice
i act [somewhat] manly [only because i think being more sui-bian and guyish and hao2 shuang3 makes me easier to get along, and i like to think of myself as a swordsman [those in old chinese swordfighting movies, who are strong and skilled but will help others in need] but thats just random haha]
i practice kendo [whats the link man, dont understand. -___- come on, the kendo girl seniors are so feminine lei. im the only exception, dont misunderstand]
i like to take care of girls [erm, i feel like a big sis somehow. not sure why but it always feel like a responsibility to take care of girls who are girlier than me]

BUT.
im still a girl ok.

bottom line is.
i wish people knew where to draw the line.

which is why i always thought that the type of guy who is attractive is the type of guy who makes me feel like a girl

i have yet to meet someone like that.
----------------------------------------------


ok. its late and my new roomie is sleeping.
i have to be more considerate [even though im typing in the dark but my computer screen is bright i think she cant sleep with the lights on i suddenly realised im quite observant and good at picking up new living habits with people as i did with boey last sem
that was a long chain of thought.


enough of incoherence and irrelevance.
i've had my regular dose.

you?

a picture post for perks,

in no particular order,






kbox with babe.




















yay.












sub-zero.



















haha.
















me, wz, and mr gingerbreadman [who quite unfortunately is no longer with us now.]

















wife + me = happy












right after training,

the hump on my right knee cap after the suresh push. [and im proud of it! and thankful to suresh]

no, thats not my kneecap, its the hump.
[yes i looked like i had two kneecaps]










this is a tad too dark, but then again
dark enough for my liking











this is the kneecap a few days after [not even in its full glory!] was amused so i took it.

hallmark of my career in kendo.










domokun comes back!

i feel like im living a lie.


the interhall games has been a flurry of excitement and showcase of sportsmanship and wonderful, amiable talent.
watching all these beautiful shots, clean and pretty goals and nice passes has aroused a kind of feeling in me that has never happened before

maybe i should try sports again.
after 10 years of being involved in the performing arts,
discouraged by my lack of innate sporting ability,
maybe i should give it a shot again.


its sad to be amongst all these tanned, bronze-brown-beautiful god-like creatures.

i want to sweat it out on the field or the court, after a long hard game.
i want to bask in the warmth of the sun, or the cool evening breeze
i want to share with my teammates, be it game plans or lame jokes
i want to score goals and passes, be it for personal satisfaction, or hall glory

i want to prove that i can do sports,
i want to prove that even though i dont have the natural ability,
i can reach that standard with hard work.




its not too late now, right?
i mean, theres always ihg 2007.


*thinks*

sigh.

'there are two things i am really good at;
going to the wrong places, and
falling for the wrong person.'

'it was by chance that i met you'
'i'm going to give chance another chance.'

'will you?'